Family Apocalypse
by seriousoncer
Summary: Crackfic AU, in which Regina and David are married with two kids. This is a glimpse into their crazy lives, filled with swearing, sister hunts and a batshit-crazy person named Cora.
1. Prolouge

_**Prologue**_

 **The mayoral mansion**

"Emmeline and Jonathan, get down here this instant!" Regina yelled from the top of her lungs up the staircase, and her strong voice ricocheted between the walls. It was supposed to be a calm Saturday; a beautiful, but quiet breakfast, a walk in the park and then home to get ready for the family dinner later that night. However, her children made that impossible. She loved them to death, but sometimes she wanted to strangle them. With _love_ , of course. Two pair of feet could be head running down the stair in synchronization, before Regina fully reacted, the two kids skidded to a halt in front of their, now, furious mother.

"Care to explain?" Regina crossed her arms, and tapped her foot on the linoleum floor. Emmeline looked up at her with those beautiful, blue eyes that she most certainly inherited from her father. Her lip wobbled into a pout, and her little brother followed the lead.

"I don't know." The 14 year old had the audacity to tell her mother, while the quiet little rat of a 9 year old shook his head.

"So no one here knows why the den is full of mud, dirty shoes and socks all over the patio and the _dirty_ dog is IN MY BED, ON MY EGYPTIAN COTTON?" The last few words were screeched so loudly that the children flinched and the dog tilted his head and gave a small cry.

The children stood motionless, not willing to spill anytime soon. However, Regina new better. Jonathan had a soft spot for seeing his mother sad. She hated herself for using it against him, but the lying had to stop. Therefore, she bent down to his height, and put on her sad face. Emmeline scoffed and crossed her arms like the stubborn little woman she was. Regina shot her a glare, and Emmeline softened right away and muttered a 'sorry'.

"Jonathan, is there something you would like to tell me? The woman who gave birth to you? Feeds you every day? Loves you endlessly?" Regina said, while she stroked his arms, and cupped his cheek. The kid reluctantly shook his head, looking at the floor. _Poor little shit, the manipulative mastermind beside him probably brainwashed him,_ she thought to herself. Emmeline stood there proud as ever, and smiled smugly at her brother, who looked incredibly guilty.

Regina huffed, and carefully stood up. "Okay, but you should know, I am very disappointed." Looking Jonathan straight in the eye, knowing there was no breaking the little mafia boss. However, he broke all right.

"MAMA, I'M SO SORRY, SHE MADE ME DO IT!" Jonathan blurted so fast and loud that Regina smiled at him.

"Little snitch." Emmeline sneered at her brother. Regina gaped at that, "Where did you learn that word?"

"Auntie taught me." Emmeline said proudly, Regina pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a migraine sneaking its way into her skull. "What else did she teach you?"

"Snitches get stiches." Regina stared at her, mouth agape. "Go clean up the mud and such. After that, you're both taking a bath or a shower. Also, someone needs to clean and walk the dog."

"But mom-"

"No-no, no complaints, or I'm calling grandma!" At that, the kids stopped whining, looked at each other, and sprinted to the den as if the devil was chasing them. Pleased with the outcome, Regina waltzed back into the kitchen to finish dinner before the guests arrived.

Too busy carving up the turkey, Regina did not notice her husband coming home, nor him entering the kitchen. 'Blurred Lines' was playing in the background as he watched his wife shimmy her hips in her cute apron, yoga pants and her hair up in a messy bun. Of course, the power suits and dresses were sexy, but Regina had never looked as beautiful as she did now. Yoga pants, and most definitely his college shirt, bare footed and he could tell she was wearing her glasses too.

When Regina put her knife down, he seized the opportunity. He ran up to his wife and circled his arms around Regina's narrow waist. She jumped in surprise, but quickly recovered when she felt the hands roam over her ribs in a very familiar matter. Regina sighed, and leaned her head back on her husband's shoulder.

"Hi, David." He just hummed, and started peppering kisses down the exposed side of her neck, revelling when she gasped at the action. "Hey, baby girl."

"Do not call me th- _oh_." Her protest grew short when David's hands found her breast, and started massaging it through the fabric of her shirt. The combination of wet kisses and nips at her neck, and the attention to her boobs was fatal. She knew she did not have the power to say no to him, when it got too far. He kicked her legs apart and pushed his thigh between hers. Regina could not take the teasing anymore, so she turned in his arms. Their lips met in a bruising kiss. A moan of approval escaped Regina's lips when David brushed his tongue against hers. To get better access, he grabbed her by the waist, lifted her up on the kitchen island, and stood between his wife's legs.

Just as David's hand disappeared up Regina's shirt, a loud bang came from the door. "What the hell, guys? Keep it in your pants for like five minutes, will you? Jesus fucking Christ, there's like a shitload of kids here!" Emma yelled crassly, and stood in the entrance, but carried on as if nothing happened. David helped Regina down from the counter top, but as she slid down, David leaned over and whispered in her ear, "We'll finish this later." With a wink, and he was gone to meet Killian in the hall.

Emma yelled after David as he left the kitchen, "I know my sister is hot, but come on David!" David just laughed in return, leaving the women alone. Emma smiled at Regina, which was returned quickly, before walking up to her, and engulfing her in a big bear hug.

"Hey, little sis." Emma said to Regina, and kissed the crown of her head. Regina just scoffed, "I am your older sister, Emma." Emma took a step back, and patted her big sister's head.

With a laugh, Emma turned to Regina. "Whatever you say, little sis."

After an hour, the dinner was ready; the only thing missing was the guests. Regina and Emma were standing in the kitchen, leaning against a counter, each holding a glass of wine.

Emma took a small sip of wine, before turning to her sister. "Is mom coming?"

"Yes, she and daddy are on their way." At that Emma frowned, and shook her head. Regina noticed her reaction, and asked with a sigh, "What is it, Em?"

"You still call him daddy?" The blonde just laughed at how Regina's cheeks got redder and redder by the second.

"Well, he is."

"Regina Mills-White. You are a 42-year-old woman, who is married to a real hunk of hot meat, have two children, hardass mayor of Storybrooke, and you still call dad 'daddy'? That's wrong on so many levels." Regina just stood there, mouth open at her sister's rant, but caught herself quickly and straightened her spine.

"I need to go change, please help the guests when they arrive." Regina changed the topic quickly, not wanting to discuss it any further. "This is why I regret asking for a little sister."

"You love me, shithead." Regina just shook her head and flipped her sister the bird, before exiting the kitchen.

Upstairs, Regina stood in the mirror looking at her reflection. _Had she gained weight?_ Just as she was mentally planning her diet, her husband walked in. "You're so beautiful, sweetheart."

"I look like a cow, David." David's eyebrows shot up to his hairline, as he walked over to his wife, "In that case, a perfect, beautiful cow." This made Regina flash him one of those smiles who could light up the entire world. It lit up his, that's for sure.

Regina smacked her husband's arm, before hugging him close, the faint smell of that same cologne he had used for as long as she could remember. It smelled safe, like home.

"What's wrong, honey?" He asked her, running his hands up and down her back in a comforting manner. She just snuggled her face closer into his chest. "Your mother is coming over."

"I know. But Cora and I will back you up the whole time. Even MM." David finished with a smile.

"You know I hate your sister, David."

"No, you don't." Regina just hugged him back. He placed a kiss on the crown of her head, before pulling out of the hug.

"Let's do this. Together, as always." Before they went out of the bedroom, Regina muttered, "Our family is batshit crazy."

"Yes, they are. So am I. Crazy over you, baby girl." That earned him another smack on the arm, after a shake of the head. He put his arm around her shoulders, before heading downstairs, where the real show had just begun. However, David wouldn't trade this for anything.

A/N: Honest reviews? Whaaaat who said that? Anyways, I really like them, so gimme pleaseeee


	2. Chapter 1

_**Chapter 1**_

 **Mayoral Mansion**

"Em, how many times have I told you?" Regina asked the 37-year-old child sitting in front of her. Emma just stuck her bottom lip out in an effort for an adorable pout, but failing miserably.

"Too many, that's for sure." Emma mumbled into the neck of her sweater.

"Well then, how many more until you _actually_ stop swearing in front of my children?" Regina asked, with a raise of her brow. Those perfectly shaped eyebrows were haunting her. More like had been, for the past 35 years.

"But that little asswipe…"

"EMMA MILLS-SWAN!"

"Fine, I'll stop."

"That's all I ask."

Regina Mills-White had been dreading this day all year, ever since last year's disaster when Christian, Emma's son, got his head stuck inside the turkey and had to go to the ER. He was Emma's son for sure. Sticking his head into cavities where it does most certainly not belong. Cora, Emma and Regina's mother, had actually encouraged him, even placed a bet against Emma on how long he would stay in there. Cora was what you would call irresponsible as fuck. No joke. During Emma and Regina's childhood, they had to tell her ' _you have to make our lunch and take us to pre-school, idiot_ '. However, Regina could not deny that Cora Mills loved her family dearly; especially Emmeline, because she would easily agree to whatever schemes her grandmother had planned.

"How are things with Killian and Christian?" Regina asked, stirring the gravy carefully.

"Oh, it's not _Christian_ , it's Chris." Regina just laughed at her sister's distressed tone. Christian was 11 years old, and was quite the hand full. "He'll get over it soon, I'm sure."

"That's what Killian says too, but I'm sure that little cockwaffle secretly likes it." Emma said, squinting her eyes at an apple on the kitchen counter as if it was a murderer. Shaking her head at her sister's ridiculous anger towards the apple, patted her sister's back comfortingly.

"If he _secretly_ likes it, why would he ask you to call him Chris then?" Regina asked, highly confused at her sister's family and all of the profane nicknames her sister would come up with.

"What? No, I mean Killian. He's the cockwaffle." Regina just closed her eyes, swallowed her rage, and counted to ten just as Dr. Hopper taught her during their therapy sessions as a child.

Emma just smiled knowingly at her temperamental sister before deciding to bully her 'little sister'. "Are you having those sexual fantasies about Dr. Hopper again?"

Regina slammed the pot down onto the stove, and turned around with rage in her eyes.

"Enough! I had to change therapist because you kept lying to mom about that!" Regina yelled at her sister, but Emma just shrugged nonchalantly.

"I had to make sure you stayed with a shrink so I could raid your bedroom while you were getting your brain smaller."

"I will fuck you up." Regina said and ran towards Emma, but she was already charging down the hallway.

"Hey, what's going o…" David said when he saw his wife and sister in lawn running around in the foyer, screaming bloody murder.

"Move, turdface!" Regina yelled at her husband before running into her study after her sister. Looking at Killian standing with his jaw on the floor, David walked over to him and laughed.

"What in the hell did we marry into?" Killian asked, genuinely mind blown.

"No clue, man."

"I wouldn't know, Cora. They said to be here by 5." Henry said to his impatient wife who was currently jumping on her toes trying to look into the foyer, since no one was answering the door.

"That's it, I'm going in. I smell a _**sister hunt**_."

"Oh no." was all Henry could say before following his wife into the mayoral mansion. A sister hunt happened when Emma got on Regina's nerves, and they would hunt each other down for hours. They would also leave the house looking like a mess, and someone would always get physically hurt. Regina broke Emma's collarbone once. _Spectacular_. There, in the hallway, sitting on the staircase with each their glass of some sort of alcohol, David and Killian.

"Where are my daughters? I need to do my job here." Cora said. Henry coughed, " _Our_ job."

"Oh shit, right. _I_ need to do _our_ job." Cora said, squinting her eyes and nodding her head. Henry was too tired to even argue with his wife, it had been 50 years after all. David cleared his throat before pointing towards the study. "I think they're in Regina's study."

"Thanks, peasant." Cora said to her son in law and putting up her hand in his face. Henry pulled her hand down, and whispered something like ' _why are you like this'_ in her ear, Cora just shrugged and looked seriously in the empty space in front of them, "Pills, mostly."

Cora pulled out a baton from her purse, and smiled at the men. "Now, let's go terminate the sister hunt."

"Why are you always pushing my buttons?" Regina yelled while throwing pens from her desk at her blonde sister. Emma caught every one of them and just scoffed.

"Oh my god, get off my dick, Regina. You're such a baby." That was apparently the last drop for Regina as she picked up the stapler, and launched it at Emma.

"Ow, what the hell?" Then, the door flung open as Cora walked in. Immediately, the sisters hid behind the desk, together.

Smirking, Cora yelled, "Marco?"

"Polo!" Emma answered, and Cora could hear a muffled ' _ouch'_ from underneath Regina's desk.

"Goddamnit, you can't answer her when we're hiding, stupid moron." Regina whisper-yelled at her sister, and Emma just muttered a 'sorry'.

"Regina? Come out please?" Cora said in a sickening, sweet voice. Regina got up reluctantly, shuffled her feet while walking and kept her head down.

"Yes, mother?" Regina said, and David's eyes almost fell out of his head because of the submissive and vulnerable way Regina answered her mother.

"Did you call your sister a stupid moron?" Regina's eyes widened, and she started stuttering.

"No, I mean, she was really mean, and she brought up doctor Hopper again, and she's just being really awful, and I don't want to call her ugly names but she just pushed my buttons, anyways I'm rambling, sorry mom." Cora pretended to yawn, and patted Regina on the head.

"You did great, munchkin." Regina beamed at her mother, her approval being the Holy Grail for her. Then, Cora turned towards the desk, which was actually trembling.

"Emma, darling." Emma just peaked her head out and wobbled her lip.

"Oh, for God's sake, Swan. You're tougher than that!" Her husband yelled from behind Cora. Squaring her shoulders, Emma stood up and walked confidently towards her mother.

"Why must you aggravate your sister's temper?"

"But…But she punched me in my _Kanye Breast_ with her _David Elbowie_! It hurt like a bitch!" David snickered, and Regina turned to him with a glare that the Devil would fear.

"I _will_ punch you in your Urethra Franklin." Regina promised her husband, as she watched his eyes bulge out of his head, and slowly, he started backing out the door, Killian not far behind.

There was a knock at the door, which made Cora frown. "Are you expecting more company, dear?" Regina looked incredibly guilty and muttered something under her breath.

"What was that? I thought I heard you, but that can't be right."

"LEOPOLD AND EVA!" Regina screamed. Cora just gasped, and put her hand on her chest. "How could you? Family traitor!" Cora hissed at her daughter, before straightening herself up. Eva and Leopold were David and Mary Margaret's parents. Cora and Eva had a rough past, all the way from High School. They used to be best friends before Cora stole Eva's prom date, which made Eva leak false rumours about Cora and her private parts. They never saw each other again, until Regina told her mother that she had found the love of her life, and wanted her parents to meet him and his family. Imagine Cora's surprise when she saw her arch nemesis making risotto with her daughter. Clicking of familiar heels pulled Cora out of her thoughts, as she looked up and saw someone fitting of the name "Shart".

"Hello Cora, you look lovely. Like a human Birkenstock." Eva said smiling at Cora.

"Hi Eva, you as well. I almost didn't recognize you without a stick up your ass."

Regina knew they were in for a long night. David came up behind her and kissed her temple, before he started massaging her shoulders. "Can you help me put my head up the turkey's ass? Anything is a better than the two of them together." Regina just laughed at him, before turning and kissing her husband. Emma stood behind her sister and whispered in her ear.

"Just close your eyes, and imagine ginger curls and round glasses." Before Regina turned around, Emma had already started sprinting down the hall. Pushing her husband away from her, she ran after her sister, leaving a very flabbergasted David White. "I will fuck up your _Neckolas Cage_ with my _Julie Handrews_!"


	3. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

 _ **A/N: Without my beta, this story (or any of my stories for that matter) would not have happened. LMPsisterhood, I thank you for your assistance and encouragement.**_

 **Mayoral Mansion (still)**

Finally, the entire family was seated together, by the dinner table. It was a miracle in Regina's eyes that they actually invited the entire family, and no one had lost a limb - yet, anyway. Clearing her throat, Cora stood up, not noticing her dress was stuck to the chair.

"Motherfucker of humping Jesus," she said as she fell onto her knees. David just snorted, but stopped immediately when he saw his wife picking up the knife to eat her dinner. Emma saw all of this and whispered in her brother in law's ear, "Castrated much?"

David just looked at Emma, but he could not deny that what she was saying was inaccurate. Being married to a powerful woman for 25 years had made him somewhat submissive. Not that he didn't like that Regina wore the pants in the relationship, quite the contrary, but when Emma of all people pointed out that he had lost his balls somewhere along the years, he had to take action.

"I would like to thank my wonderful daughter for arranging this fine evening." Cora said raising her glass, but Emma cut her off.

"No need to thank me, mom." Regina just grumbled, stabbing the turkey with her fork, muttering swear words at it.

Cora just scoffed, "Yeah, right. You making dinner for ten people, and one devil," Cora said looking at Eva. "The possibility of David finding his balls somewhere far up his scrotum is more likely." Emma grinned despite the insult, Eva choked on her turkey (which made Cora smile), and Regina stood up angrily.

"Mother! Apologize to David!" Regina said, shocked by her mother's antics. David just sat there, eyebrows disappearing up his hairline. He stood up and put his hands on Regina's shoulders, "It's true, honey."

"What is?" Regina asked, wondering if her husband was already drunk. After one light beer.

"I have no balls anymore."

"Nonsense." Cora and Emma just scoffed at the same time, which made Regina turn around with fire in her eyes and clenched fists. "You, SHUSH!" She said pointing at her mother and sister. Emma 'locked her mouth' and gave the 'key' to Cora, who swallowed it. Emma just frowned and shook her head at her mother.

"Has anybody seen David's balls?" Cora yelled, which made everyone jump in surprise, and the kids come running down the stairs.

"Why is Grandma yelling?" Christian asked.

"Because I'm in fucking distress."

"Cora!"

"Mother!"

"Henry!" Cora yelled.

"What the hell did I do?" Henry said, confused by the whole situation.

"Nothing, honey bunches of sexy." Cora said, winked at her husband, who blushed furiously. The children took that as their que to leave, running up the stairs again.

"What do you mean, David?" Regina asked, obviously confused by all of the stuff being said around the dining room table.

"I just… You know…" Emma just rolled her eyes at her disaster of a brother in law before saving his ass by cutting in.

"You castrated David." Emma said bluntly, while Regina's eyes bulged out of her skull. You could see the wheels turning in Regina's head, trying to figure out what she had meant.

"Is this true, honey?" Regina turned to David, taking his hands in hers. However, her husband just remained quiet. Cora had to take action, so she smacked the back of David's head, muttering insult in his ear. Weirdly, that did not work, which it usually does.

"Okay, Regina, what if you do that _quit per crow_?" Cora asked her daughter who just laughed. "What's so funny about that?" Cora said, clearly offended by Regina. However, her daughter just looked at her with a ridiculous expression.

"You do know it is called 'quid pro quo', right?" Squinting her eyes at her mother, who blushed and muttered an 'of course' under her breath.

"But, yes, we can do that. Right David?" Her husband nodded at her, and pointed his head towards her, indicating that she starts.

"Fine, I'll go first." Nevertheless, everyone could see that Regina was quite nervous and started sweating and pulling her fingers. She only did that when she was scared or stressed out about other people's opinion about her. Emma sensed her sister's distress, walked up to her, and held her hand. Regina smiled downed at their laced fingers, and looked up to Emma with a very grateful expression. Taking a deep breath, Regina said, "I'm pregnant."

The glee and love in David's eyes was radiant, and he ran up to Regina, picked her up and spun her around. The pair's laughs filled the entire room, as well as whooping and clapping. Putting her down, he kissed her. When they broke apart David said, "You can keep my balls for as long as you want, babe."

Cora smiled and wiped her tears, "That was some bad fridge magnet poetry." She walked up to the couple and gave her pregnant daughter a hug and a teary smile. When Regina was busy with accepting congratulations and hugs from the rest of the family, Cora pulled David aside.

"Your balls may be tiny, like little girls' balls, if little girls had balls. Like mice-", David cut her off, "Your point?"

"My point is man, at least they work." Cora smiled at her son in law, who smiled right back. David initiated a hug, but Cora pulled away. "Okay, you knocked my daughter up, that doesn't make us besties." However, David could not help smiling at his wife from the other side of the room; she was absolutely radiant. David could hear Emma talking to his wife, "What if the baby comes out with ginger curls and wants to analyse people all the time?" All he could hear in return was his wife yelling, "Just wait until I get you, Emma. I will grab your vajayjay, pull it over your head, and compliment you on your new fucking hat!"


	4. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3**_

"Honey, is it okay if me and your father stayed here for the night?" Cora asked as she put a hand on the back of her brunette daughter's back, who was doing the dishes.

" _Your father and I_." Regina corrected, with a huff before she was met with a hand smacked to the back of her head. Holding a hand to her head, she turned around towards her mother, mouth agape.

"I said what I said. Now, close you pie hole." Cora said, reaching out for a rag and started drying the dishes. Cora smiled when she heard a small, reluctant voice, "Of course you can stay here, you're always welcome.'" Leaning over, she kissed her daughter's cheek and they finished cleaning up in a comfortable silence.

* * *

"Okay, I just got this new game, the graphic is so cool. It's gonna' take your breath away!" David said, smiling like an idiot, as he bragged about his new TV game to Killian, his father and Henry.

"Shit, like…forever?" Killian said, a serious expression on his face. The men started laughing, before they quieted down, realizing that Killian was being serious. "How come you're not dead, son?" Henry asked, with his Spanish accent clear, and an amused smile on his lips.

"Hey, certified idiot!" At that, all of the men turned around to find Cora standing in the door. Cora let out a sigh of frustration and rolled her eyes when all of the men pointed at themselves questioningly. "The one I'm married to." Choosing to ignore the muttered 'damnit', she took her husband by the hand, and let him to the foyer.

"What is it, cariño?" Henry asked, taking his wife's hands in his own. After 50 years of marriage, Henry could still make Cora blush like a teenager. Smiling at her husband, she brought their hands up to her mouth, and she kissed his knuckles. "I asked Corazon Pequeño if we could stay here, but she seemed reluctant to say yes." Little did Cora know, Regina was standing at the top of the stairs, watching their interaction with adoring eyes of how they treated each other. Even though they were nuts and bickered a lot, they loved each other more than Regina thought was possible. They had nicknames for their daughters, Regina's being Corazon Pequeño (little heart) and Emma's was Conejito (bunny girl). First, the parents used the names to talk about the children without them knowing, but know it had become terms of endearment.

"Maybe we should give her some space? She might want to spend the holidays with su familia?" Henry offered with a gloomy smile. Cora nodded, sadly. Henry hated seeing his wife sad, so he opened his arms and smiled at Cora. "Hugs?" Cora just snickered before walking into her loving husband's arms. Burying her face in his neck always made her feel better, and Henry always started rubbing her back and humming a Spanish lullaby. Leaning down, Henry kissed the top of his wife's head. "Maybe you should talk to her?" He offered innocently. Cora gave a miserable sigh, "What should I say?"

"Just listen to your gut-," Cora lifted her head with an angry expression, but stayed in the embrace.

"I don't have a gut, you mother-," he rephrased, putting his fingers on her lips to quiet her.

" _I meant,_ listen to your mother's intuition." Putting her head back into the crook of her husband's neck, she sighed once again.

"I guess you're right." Smirking, Henry opened his mouth, only to be interrupted.

"No, I am not going to repeat that Henry, so just zip it." Leaning down, Henry kissed his wife softly on the lips. Regina was sitting on the top of the stairs like a little child, tears in her eyes. Getting up, Regina walked down the stairs, only to startle the couple.

The younger brunette walked straight up to her mother and gave her a big, bear hug. "Mommy, stay here please. I'm sorry if you thought I didn't want you here."

"Regina Mills-White, you are the biggest, softest baby I know." Her blonde little sister hollered from the kitchen. Regina just smiled, and wrapped her arms around her father as well.

* * *

Emma was standing alone in the mansion kitchen, a glass of wine occupying one of her hands, the other twirling blonde hair around her fingers. David walked in with dirty glasses, obviously trying to do the dishes, but stopping his actions and frowning when he saw the look on Emma's face.

"What's wrong, Emma?"

"My deputy is such a dick." Emma said, whining like a five-year-old.

"Why is that?"

"He set fire to the trash can, David."

"Wow." Emma just nodded in response, before sighing and putting her wine glass down on the counter.

"And I didn't even take my pills this morning, which only makes it worse."

David just frowned at his sister in law, "What pills, Emma?"

"My five mg of 'don't choke a moron'." David just laughed at her, and pulled her into a hug. Then he suddenly remembered something. David and Regina's 25th anniversary was four weeks away, and he wanted to take her to London for a week or so. However, they needed a sitter. He sure as hell was not about to leave the kids with Cora, neither his mother, who would probably send them to boarding school in Moscow. "Hey, Emma."

"Waddup?" Taking a deep breath, he asked her with the sweetest voice he has ever used for any reason.

"CanyoupleasewatchthekidssoIcantakeReginatoLondoninfourweeks?"

"Wh-what?"

"Can you babysit the kids for a week?"

"The hell I can!" Emma said, and pulled away from David, with a scared look on her face. Emma loved her niece and nephew to death, but they were complete dicks when Regina was not around. "Why can't they stay at with Eva or mom?" David just raised an eyebrow at Emma.

"Okay, fair point."

"It's just one week, Emma."

"I know. Fuck, your kids are gonna make me kill 'em, and then I'm gonna get the death sentence and-," Emma's complaint was cut short, when Emmeline walked into the kitchen.

"What's up, Auntie Turdface?" She said, while grabbing an apple, taking a bite and just walking out of the kitchen again. Emma just pointed at the little girl, "She's trying to put me in the electric chair already!"

"Please, Emma! I'm begging you!"

"Hell no! Your mom's gonna' clutch her fancy ass pearls and drop dead before I babys-"

"I'll pay you."

"When do I pick'em up?"


	5. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4**_

"I am pregnant, not an invalid, you fucking moron!" Regina yelled at her husband, who was only saying he could make breakfast the next day. It had been four months since the dinner party and the announcement. Since then, Regina had been a ray of sunshine. Burning your every freaking body part until you want to claw out of your skin and rip your hair out.

"I am aware of that, Gina! I just thought you'd like the extra rest!" David yelled back, before storming to the bathroom to brush his teeth, leaving his wife in the closet seething with rage. David winced when he heard angry footsteps coming towards the little safe haven he had made, bracing himself with a toothbrush, ready to fight.

"What in the fluffy hell is that supposed to mean?" Regina said, hands on her hips and one eyebrow raised, looking at the toothbrush, until David reluctantly lowered it.

"It means you are carrying a human inside of you, and I don't want you to collapse!" That was apparently the wrong thing to say as Regina chucked the toothpaste at him.

His wife huffed out at her husband who was pouting and clutching his elbow in mock-pain. "So now you're calling me fat?" David's eyes bulged out of his skull.

"When the in fucking time and space did I say THAT?" He screeched so loud that Regina visibly winced. Before she could answer, they heard a loud bang coming from the driveway, which could only mean one thing; Cora or Emma. Looking at each other, David pulled out a coin and got ready to flip it.

"Heads, Emma!" Regina said.

"Tails, Cora!" David finished and flipped the coin. They both bent over it and looked at the result. Tails. Regina huffed out a long sigh before heading down stairs. However, Regina stopped dead in her tracks and turned to her husband with a devious smile.

"Are you sure I'm able to-"

"I'm so tired of your shit, Regina!" His wife just laughed and walked down the stairs to greet the guest that was currently tearing up their driveway. Opening the front door, Regina was met by a swinging Cora. Literally. Her body was swaying from side to side, and her walk was very unpredictable.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Regina asked her mother while helping her inside the foyer. Cora just shrugged, took her heels off and put them in the dog bed, which was weird, even for Cora.

"Nothin'," Cora answered and headed for the kitchen. Regina and David walked behind her, giving each other weird looks. To the couple's surprise, Cora started climbing on top of the kitchen counter, totally forgetting she was wearing a skirt and unintentionally showing off her stockings. Regina's eyes bulged out of her head, while she heard a gasp coming from her husband. Quickly, Regina slapped a hand in front of David's eyes, and her husband muttered a 'thank you'.

"Mother, what the hell is wrong with you?" However, Cora did not answer, she just sat on the kitchen island with the goofiest grin she had ever seen on her mother. Now she could see the resemblance between Cora and Emma. "Well?" The brunette daughter pressed.

"I…smoked…I don't know…," David just laughed at the rambling nonsense that came out of his normally composed and put together mother-in-law, and Regina was fighting a tug of the lips as well. Another bang came from the driveway, and Regina huffed out in annoyance.

"Why the hell is our family so persistent to destroy our home?" David bit his lip and shrugged in return.

"Emma or the kids?" Regina smiled at her husband.

"Fucking Emma…," Cora mumbled and slapped herself lazily and dragged her hand down her face. Both David and Regina turned to look at the dishevelled former mayor, because the things she was saying did not make any sense whatsoever.

"What did Emma do know?" Regina said as she pulled her phone out of her pocket, and called her blonde, irritating sister.

"What's up, Madame Incubator?" Her sister said, and she could hear the smirk in the blonde's voice. Rolling her eyes, Regina bit back a laugh at her sister's ridiculous nicknames for her.

"Hello, Em. I have a question for you." Regina said, glancing over to her mother who was currently sitting Indian-style on the counter and her hair up in a bun. Almighty Jesus.

"Yeah?"

"What is the matter with Mom? She's acting quite odd," Emma just laughed at her sister, but Regina did not find it funny. "Emma!" The laughter died down, before the blonde cleared her throat and gave a happy sigh.

"She just… smoked…well, more like ate some pot."

"What the hell, Emma? Mom is like 70, she cannot smoke…eat pot, goddamn it! This family, I swear." That had Emma laughing even more, and before Regina could react, Cora snatched the phone out of her hand and ran to the other side of the island.

"Emma, where did you go? Philadelphia?" Cora said seriously, while running back and forth to dodge her daughter's claws. Regina finally got a hold of her phone, realizing that Cora had hung up. The older woman gave Regina a sheepish smile before going to rummage through the fridge, feeling the first hit of the munchies. Cora just spoke rubbish into the fridge, pulling out pickles, sour cream and strawberry yoghurt. David gagged as his mother-in-law started mixing it all together in a bowl, and Cora threatened him quietly with a frying pan by pointing it at him. He turned to his wife for emotional support, but saw that she was staring at the bowl of disgustingness.

"You wanna eat it, don't you?" David said with a grin, amusement lacing his voice. Regina kept her eyes on the bowl, and nodded embarrassedly. David just shook his head, and walked out of the kitchen to grab his phone. These pregnancy cravings had to be documented. She walked up to it and was about to take the spoon, before Cora swatted her hand away with a banana.

Regina pulled back her hand and yelled at her mother, "WHAT THE FUCK, CORA!?"

David came running in after his wife's scream, the fear that something serious had happened lurking in his stomach.

"What's wrong, babe?" He asked his wife, who was currently clutching her hand to her chest, and glaring daggers at her mother.

"Fucking Pablo Escobar over here, that's what's wrong!" Regina yelled, and stomped out of the kitchen. David turned to Cora who just shrugged and was about to say something, before Regina came stomping back in. She kissed David on the cheek, and Cora put out her cheek so she could get one too. However, Regina just smacked her in the back of the head, grabbed the bowl of vomit and walked out.

"I know how you're feeling," David assured Cora.

"You do?"

"Yes."

"Really? You know what it's like to be tic-tac-toe'd by a chicken?" David laughed at her, before grabbing a peach and taking a bite.

"Wanna know how I do it?" Cora asked her son-in-law after a few minutes of quiet.

"Do what?"

"Make the dish I just made?"

"Four generations of inbred?" David quickly replied, before a flying banana hit him square in the nostril.


	6. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5**_

 _ **A/N: Hey! Remember me? I totally forgot all about this story. I hope you like this chapter, and leave me a review telling me about your favourite parts!**_

"Tell me, how did you get your hook stuck again?" Emma asked her husband as she took in the scene before her. Killian was sitting on the floor, his hook stuck in the first step of the stairs. His fishing hook. He was going fishing with David, and Emma and Regina were going shopping. The children would be dropped off at Felix's and his girlfriend, Paige. They were college students who needed some extra money, so they let them babysit frequently.

"I was gonna show Chris my hook-wielding-skills!" He said while wielding a pen around as a sword. Chris just snickered at his father, when Emma kicked the step and the hook fell out immediately. Gaping at his wife, he said, "Somewhat castrating."

"Come on, Bear Grylls and son." She said patting her, now pouting, husband on the shoulder.

* * *

"What about snookie-pookie?"

"If you desire a divorce and a fractured nose, go right ahead." Regina would not, even after 20 years of marriage, let David call her nicknames. He had tried everything, with no positive outcome.

"But 'Gina! I need somethin'. Work with me here, hunky punky." David said and poked his wife in the stomach. His grin quickly shifted to a grimace of pain as Regina grabbed the finger and bent it. Not the normal way a finger should be bent.

"Ow, ow, ow! Okay, okay!" Nevertheless, Regina just kept bending.

"Promise me you will not call me by those juvenile names!"

"Okay, okay! Are you trying to make me look like fucking Spock? Fat Jesus on a bike, that hurts!" Regina loosened her grip a little at her husband's wail of pain.

"Swear on our children and dog!" Regina said, not even bothering to get up from the chair she was currently seated on, while her husband was kneeling on the floor in front of her. She could get used to this.

"Holy Frankenfuck, you psycho! Yes, I swear on the kids and the fucking canine! I'll even bring your bat-shit crazy mother into the equation!" Only then did Regina let go. David clutched his hand to his chest in pain.

"You need to chill your tater tits!" He yelled after his wife, who walked out of the bedroom, flipping her husband off. His ego hurt more than his finger.

* * *

"You almost broke your husband's finger?" Regina just nodded at her sister's question, and kept digging into her salad. Emma let out a whistle of empathy. For David.

"Now shoot me in the ear if I'm wrong," Regina just raised her eyebrows at the new, creative phrase. "You almost dismantled your boo's finger… because he called you hunky-punky?" Emma waited patiently for her sister to answer. Regina at least had the decency to look slightly guilty.

"When you put it like that…" Regina stabbed the salad with her fork. "I wish I would have bent it further." Regina finished with a mischievous smile.

"I'll admit, your temper often tickles my giggle-dick, but Regina, that's hella morbid, even for you!" Emma said, her tone laced with laughter. Regina just smiled, pleased for making her sister laugh. Just as Regina continued digging the fork into her lunch, David stepped into the mayoral office.

"What is up, fellow humans? David said, as he paraded towards Regina, and planting a kiss on the top of her head.

"Discussing sexual positions." Emma answered without as much as batting an eye.

"Cool beans." David said and fist bumped his sister-in-law. Regina just sat in her chair with lettuce hanging from her, now, agape mouth.

"Speaking of sexual positions. David, which one is your favourite?" Emma asked, faking curiosity. David tapped his chin with his finger in deep thought.

"It has to be the one where Regina pretends to be asleep." David barely finished his sentence before Regina kicked him in the leg, making him jump and hit his thigh on the marble desk. Emma let out a howl of laughter, tears springing to her eyes as David clutched his leg in pain. Regina tried to cough up the slice of tomato that got caught in the back of her throat. The three of them were crying for three different reasons, running around the office in various amounts of pain.

Under the entire ruckus, neither of them noticed that Cora had arrived. The former mayor could just stand in the doorway and watch as Regina downed an entire bottle of water, tears running down her cheeks. David was rummaging through the freezer in the mini-fridge, screaming for a pack of frozen peas to help relieve his pain. Emma was on the carpet, rolling around, panting like an asthmatic dog. Cora just stood there for a couple of minutes, mouth agape in disbelief. Then Henry came, walking down the hallway, headed towards the mayoral office.

"Mi vida, did you find th…" Henry did not finish his question before Cora pulled him out of the mayoral office.

"No, sir, not today." Cora said, and sped off down the hall, not wanting to deal with anyone's shit on that particular day.

* * *

Once the three of them had calmed down, they sat down on the couches Regina had perfectly matched with the other interior in her office. Reaching for an apple, Emma remembered what she was intentionally going to ask her sister about.

"Y'know, your birthday and due date is coming up, so I thought we cou…"

"We are not throwing a party to celebrate a grown woman's birthday. It's meaningless." Regina determinedly stated. Emma just slouched back into the cushions of the couch she was currently seated on with a big pout on her lips.

"You just don't want to admit your age. You know you're pushing 50-"

"With a very fucking long stick!" Regina yelled out in offence. David just snickered and rubbed his wife's back with his hand. His gaze lingering on his wife's beautifully rounded stomach.

"You know Gina, it might not be a bad idea to throw a party for the jelly bean-" David said, but was also interrupted by the feisty brunette.

"Enough with the nicknames, you blowhard!" Regina all but yelled and got up from the couch in the most graceful manner she could muster with the extra 20 pounds throwing her off balance.

"Oh, come on Regina!" David said to his wife, getting up to go after her, but was quickly stopped. Emma stepped in front of him, her hand placed firmly on her hips. In this moment, David could tell that Emma was a Mills too.

"Let her cool off. She has had problems with nicknames long before she met you, amigo." Emma sat down on the couch, patting the spot next to her. David understood the not so subtle move, and sat down right next to her.

"I just don't understand why." David said, his voice laced with exhaustion. It was not just the nicknames that bothered him, but his wife had seemed distant lately. Emma cleared her throat before turning towards her brother-in-law.

"Regina is probably going to hate me for this. But, Regina hasn't always been this confident, powerful woman. She has insecurities filling her to the rim. One of them is being Latina. She is of course proud of her heritage and never lets anyone forget where she is from or who she is. But shitty Caucasian kids aren't always as kind to other ethnicities than their own." David frowned, not liking where this story was headed.

"Being the only colored kid in the neighbourhood and at school, Regina had to fight for herself. She dealt with, and continues to deal with, racial slurs and discrimination every day of her life. Being called mami, hot tamale, taco and spic does something to your self-worth. Regina would come home from school almost every day, crying because of rude nicknames her classmates and other kids had given her." David had not understood his wife's reaction to the nicknames he created for her. Now that he did, he wished that he never would have put her through all of that pain again. Even if the nicknames he had given he were not hurtful, they had still caused his wife pain.

"Eventually our parents pulled her out of private school, and let her continue her education at a public school. Regina had never been happier, because she got to socialize with kids that looked like her. And that's where she met the love of her life. You." By the time Emma was done telling the story, her half-eaten apple had turned brown and David sat there, shell-shocked and with tears in his eyes.

"Thank you for telling me all of this, Emma." David said, and leaned over to give the blonde a hug.

"Not a problem. And about that birthday party-" David pulled away from the hug, to shift his focus back on Emma.

"I don't think we need a party where my mother is so drunk she can't tell her elbow from her ass to show Regina how much we appreciate her. I think a small family get-together is more than enough." David just smiled at Emma, grateful that he is so lucky to have such a generous and thoughtful sister in-law.

"I think so too. I should go see if Regina has toppled over somewhere." David said, as he got up from the couch. Emma laughed at the mental image of Regina trying to get up like a turtle on its back.

"Yeah, you probably should. I'll clean up this mess." Emma said, gesturing to their lunches, which were spread all over the office after their little breakdown.

"Thanks. I'll see you later, toots." David called after Emma as he headed for the door.

"Didn't we just have a talk about nicknames and the damage they cause?" Emma said with a raised eyebrow.

"Um, yeah? But I didn't think that applied to you too! And 'toots' is cute as hell!" He said, trying to defend himself.

"You know, Regina might not have had the guts to bend your finger all the way, but my schedule is clear and the kid is at the sitter. I **will** bend it all the way." David audibly gulped and backed out of the office.

"Yeah, well… LATERS, EMMA!" David said, hauling ass down the hall as fast as his legs would carry him.


End file.
